The life and times of a stay-at-home mom who yearns for greatness without ever actually getting off the couch.

New Address

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 19:10:45 -0800

Hi. It’s me. Yeah, I know, it’s been a while. I’ve had my reasons, but mostly it’s because my online life and my offline life collided in an rather unpleasant way.
So.
I moved my blog. It’s somewhere else now. Where you can’t find it.
(You can probably find it if you want)
I might come back here, someday, but then again, I might not.
Fare ye well...

Street Fair

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 16:31:48 -0700

Every year, our little piece of suburban heaven puts on a street fair. Usually, we’re lost in the midst of SoCal’s infamous “June Gloom”, but this year the sun came out (as my sunburn can attest). I took the boys, met up with some cousins and ran into almost everyone we know. And of course, a good time was had by all...

Happy Summertime!

On Memorial Day

Mon, 6 Jun 2011 14:23:53 -0700

On Memorial Day, the family gathered at my father’s house. There was swimming, baseball and charred meat. It was pretty damn perfect. Witness:

Hope your day was as sunny as ours...

Intermezzo

Tue, 10 May 2011 16:18:16 -0700

Well folks, it appears that I’ve gone ahead and driven this here bloggity blog into the ground with my fantastical sense of apathy. It’s been, what? Six weeks since I’ve posted? And I haven’t missed it. I haven’t really had anything to write about that I felt safe putting up into a public (ish) forum. Because that’s the thing. I don’t feel safe on my own blog. I started this so that I could express my thoughts and feelings and a bit of the funny that comes my way, but so eager was I for readers, so proud I was of myself, that I spread the word among friends and family. (Mistake #1) When I wrote about my life, the minor players in said life read what I had written, and all too often, they were not nearly as amused as I had been.
I’ve hurt feelings.
I’ve offended people.
I’ve censored myself into silence.
(crickets)
So, I’m thinking of changing this site up, entirely. I may have new and exciting (to me) content coming. I may turn this site into a photography blog, and dispense with those tricky words once and for all. And I may start up another, anonymous blog where I can write what I REALLY think of you assholes. (No, not you, YOU) Who knows where things will lead? Not I.
And perhaps, perhaps nothing will happen, and this will be the last you ever hear from me.
Who would notice?
(crickets)

I Miss Eating

Sat, 26 Mar 2011 20:28:03 -0700

Here I am, 5 days into the hCG Diet, and I really, really, REALLY miss eating. It’s not that I’m hungry, because I’m not. I just miss eating. I miss the tastiness filling my mouth. I miss figuring out what I want and then making that dream a reality. Because now? Now, all I get is 500 calories a day of lean protein and veggies. And I can’t even mix the veggies. Or have salad dressing. Or any carbs except a couple of teeny breadstick thingies. Which, by the way, are totally the best part of my day. So yeah, I miss eating.
I’ve been eating at home, obviously, but I had to go out to dinner with the fam for my brother’s birthday. We went to a restaurant and I was a total pain in the ass, asking for a grilled chicken breast with no oil or butter and some steamed broccoli, rather than the sauteed in olive oil broccoli they had on the menu. I was not their favorite person that night. The waiter even tried to tell me about how olive oil is good for you, and I agreed with him, and asked for mine plain. I then guestimated how much I was allowed to eat. I pretty much just went with half. Then, as soon as we sang the Happy Birthday Song, I grabbed my boys and ran for the exit, before they could try to serve me some of that fantastic looking cake.
I HAZ A SAD
I don’t have iron self control. I pretty much give in to whatever impulse is currently rattling around my brain. But this damn diet, I’m sticking to. I’m sticking to it because I paid a hefty sum to suffer like this. And I’m not really suffering, it’s more of an annoyance than true agony, (unless they put those goddamned french fries in front of my face again) but it’s still not easy. It’s really, really hard, you guys. And I’m not good at this.
This has been the longest week ever. And I have at least two more to go.
I say “at least”, because I have ideas of doing two rounds of the hCG, before I go onto the maintenance plan that lets me have a bit more variety in my menu. I have a whole lot of weight to lose, and one round of this stuff isn’t going to do it. But I don’t know if I can keep it up for six fucking weeks. Five days is killing me. Going to my kids’ baseball games and being surrounded by donuts and the best cheeseburgers ever and hot, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies is torture. I want it all, so badly, I finally know what addiction feels like. And for the record? It’s not fun.
The other thing keeping me going, is the scale. I’ve lost 7.4 pounds since Monday. Certain assholes tell me it’s just water weight, but whatever. Weight is weight, and water takes up room, just like fat does. Anyway, my doctor tells me that I’m losing fat, too. And generally, my doctor knows a bit more than the assholes. So, I’m going with that. I’ve lost water and fat and I’m not starving, so I’m going to keep doing this. I’m going to keep not eating everything in sight, and not having a glass of wine in the evenings and eating my sad little meals at home. For a few more weeks, anyway.
Don’t let me give up, okay?

A Fresh Start

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 14:24:46 -0700

I’ve talked about it. I’ve asked for advice about it. I’ve seen my doctor about it. And I’ve decided to do the hCG diet. As a matter of fact, I’ve already started it. Sort of. Here’s the deal: hCG is a hormone that your body releases when you’re pregnant that allows you to access all that stored fat that doesn’t go away through regular diet and exercise. When you’re pregnant, this guarantees as consistent source of calories for the developing fetus. (It’s also why I look better pregnant than I do at any other time.) Taking this hormone in smaller doses when you’re not pregnant, or even female, does the same thing. It allows you to burn stored fat, while you are on a severely restricted diet. The idea is that you get all your caloric needs met by the release of your own stored fat, rather than from burning muscle or chowing down on a giant bucket of fried chicken with a side of mashed potatoes. In fact, you release so much fat, that you only need an additional 500 calories per day. And here’s the really magical part: YOU AREN’T HUNGRY. Or at least, that’s what they say.
So, I’m trying it. My doctor suggested this, and as I have a rather significant amount of weight to lose, this seems like the way to go. I’ve tried other plans and exercise and trying to be healthy, but I just can’t seem to stick to it. My weight loss is generally too slow to make all that deprivation seem worthwhile. I want a miracle. I want to lose weight now. Today. YESTERDAY. Apparently, delayed gratification is not something I’ve ever fully mastered.
The plan goes like this:
Days 1-2: take the hCG and binge on as much fat and calories as you can handle without throwing up.
(I did that part over the weekend and was fantastically successful at it. I should win an award for calories consumed.)
Days 3-Goal Weight: take the hCG and eat 500 calories per day of strictly measured, specifically listed food.
(This is the part that I just started today. It’s decidedly less fun.)
Maintenance Phase: Go back to anything you like except carbs. Slowly add the carbs back in 3 weeks after goal is reached.
They tell me that I’ll have extraordinary results in a very short period of time. Like five pounds a week extraordinary. Like it’ll seem like I’m melting. And I won’t gain it back, they say.
They say.
Allegedly.
I feel like I’ve gone to a faith healer to cure my obesity. I worry that I’ve been scammed, hoodwinked and sold snake oil. But I”m doing this anyway. I need to believe that this will work. I need an act of faith. I need magic and miracles and something so amazing that it blasts me out of this deeply rutted path of emotional eating and perpetual failure.
I need a win here, people.
I need it in a big way.
Because I’m a big girl.
And this is my fresh start.